Mortal Kombat and the Holy
by retro and vintage
Summary: The story I'm about to tell, I tell you, I will tell you well, 'tis of my Foes and Friends. All in a ride that never ends. - Fujin; A Monty Python and the Holy Grail Parody. Well i tried.


AN: A tribute to one of the greatest movies in history :) My version of such events, I have no idea who's parodying who cause it tends to switch sides...And its completely AU suckers! Imagine Fujin's narrating everything...even though I have know clue how his personality is like hehe.

Sometimes it tends to go in its little world at some parts...

I have a feeling I'm going to regret this. I just hope I can appease both sides.

Disclaimer: I don't own them! NI!

Extremely light hearted at some parts, then extremely awkward at various points. I might not only parody the MPTHG, I might do other MP skits too ( I gotta buy that MP trivia book...)and there are some instances of misplaced swearing and violence. OOC is everywhere...You know it when you see it. Humour is mild here, hence the Rating of T.

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><p>I am called many things, 'old man with the girly braid', 'The guy with the irremovable wig', and with the name I'm supposed to be known about - The Wind God. But my friends, like yourselves, I do too have a name. A REAL NAME. I am Fujin. I am to be feared, though for some stupid reason I am not. Earthrealmers and their stupid fart jokes...bah! But no matter, in here I am something to be acquainted with. I am simply Fujin the Bard.<p>

And now my friends let me tell you an epic tale about...someone famous I suppose. Aha! I've got one!

...

...

Oops! Terribly sorry! I'm still trying to think of how my story goes. But enough chit-chat, let me speak to you the story.

And it's good so tune in.

"MORTAL KOMBAT AND THE HOLY...Holy..."

Huh... well, seems I haven't thought of anything remotely 'cool' at the moment. I'm terribly sorry lad or lassie, truly I am. Honest! I never knew my daydreaming would go this far! Quite embarrassing indeed! But Alas! Well, welll, welll! I shall babble on and on and hopefully, my dear listener, you would find this makeshift story of mine to be...awesome and I can probably get a clear idea on how to start this. And no, no, no, dear this IS NOT A BEDTIME STORY. Now listen! Listen close! Feast your eyes and ears on this tale I made up five seconds ago! Lets hope we could get somewhere shall we? And please kind sir, do not judge me. Let me think of a plot...Oh! I've got one! Hope no one from people I know would find this offensive...well, let's get on with it shall we?

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><p>Once upon a time...<p>

Wait... Let me start over...This is no fairy tale.

T'was a dreadful time in Earthrealm, violence and chaos shook the very core of the people because some...unknown force...that no one can see or hear has plagued the lands. Well the entire place hasn't sunk in to chaos that dire or that bad but you get the point.

So ummm King_...Scorpion...Sub-Zero...Kung Lao...No...Hmmm..._ Aha Raiden! Raiden! ahem, _King Raiden_, has known of this disheartening news. He has been wandering different lands for twenty days and twenty nights on what must be done. Without food nor water! Yet still, even with the aid of his humble people, even with the kind words of prophets and inconsiderate hermits; he has not found out a way to rid Earthrealm of this...unknown force that I will think about... Oh dear, forget that I said that dear listener, would you please? Thank you.

After many journeys to distant realms, King Raiden has finally returned to so-called-home in Earthrealm, this place where he now settled is called '...'.

What? I haven't thought of a name of the kingdom yet...

But no, he is not alone! Today he has brought with him a new loyal servant. He is a black haired yellow man, with a red fabric wrapped around his head like how women would wear them. A very strange fellow I daresay. He is to be called since the day he was received as "Lulu". King Raiden received 'Lulu' in a bout in a far off ascetic academy from the strange place called "Wushi". A very obese, drunk broken shell of a man gave King Raiden 'Lulu' as a token for his stay in the academy as their humble guest.

His true name is "Liu Kang", in case if you're wondering. But who would be interested in a slave's-SERVANT! SERVANT! I SAID SERVANT!

Servant's name.

How King Raiden ended up at that Wushi place I leave to your imagination.

Not that I'm lazy think about an excuse or anything...

Well! King Raiden used Lulu as his ride from Wushi to this desolate place in the heart of the fearful living forest. They had traveled many miles! Indeed I am not bluffing! They scoured the insect infested rainforests and Lulu had lots of mosquito bites; they swam in the ocean and Lulu was bait to sharks. They ran from robbers...but they succeeded in stealing Lulu's shirt.

With King Raiden himself riding on his back like an equestrian!

It was hard at first, his pants, many times had he sipped from Lulu's sweaty back, but King Raiden is not a prissy! Yet Lulu is terribly tired with his red pants drenched in sweat. Lulu wanted to pant and complain and dare curse the king! But no matter! Fortunately his previous owner "Bo Rai' Cho" had him fixed. He made sure Lulu lost his voice. He said so himself that Lulu possessed the most annoying voice that can make people deaf, perhaps King Raiden can put this to his use in one of his quests someday.

King Raiden ordered Lulu with a whip, for reasons unknown, and used it to navigate the poor fellow to find their resting spot for the day.

"Hold Lulu! We shall partake our rest here." King Raiden dismounted from Lulu's aching back and settled himself on the ground. Lulu drooped down to the ground as well, but his bare back landed on lying stones on the ground but he did not mind the sudden and unexpected pain from his tired and back-marked-with-king-Raiden's-arse back. But he was aching inside. But the great kind-hearted King Raiden was mindful of Lulu's aching and he cured him like any noble king would do! Hail the king! But..he did not apologize. Bah! It was Lulu's duty to the king! The man should be proud of himself. King Raiden cupped his chin in thought and started to talk to himself, wait he was actually talking to Lulu...

"Well then Lulu! I have come to realize that I cannot do any quests just alone, Kings need people to order around, people like you. I need my own band of knights! To not only me assist me in completing my missions but to serve me as well. Rise up Lulu! we shall walk and begin our search for worthy allies!" King Raiden crunched his eyebrows for a moment...what is he thinking? "But you shall carry the supplies! Chop Chop!" He clapped.

Lulu obediently did what he was told while he was imagining in a very sadistic manner on how to kill the king. But he let the thought pass. King Raiden ignored Lulu's glares as he led the way into the Living Forest. They had traveled the area for an hour or two, and King Raiden grew tired of walking, and he requested Lulu that he, the king, should ride on his back - for he was tired. And Lulu did let him ride on his sunburned back. They had roamed the forest for signs of civilization or at least an isolated cottage while Lulu whimpered when King Raiden's arse pressed too hard on his sunburn. That then...till they saw the most unexpected thing. My God...it's...it's...beautiful...

The duo saw a freakishly tall battle fortress enameled with marble, cannons emblazoned the strategic parts of the edifice and it left our dear king agape for a moment. He felt...jealous. Why can't he have that back at "..."?

Don't rush me! I'm still thinking of a good name!

Kamelot. That's all I can think about for now. Settle with it.

Resuming our story, the master of this abode must be truly wealthy indeed! But who would build such a structure in this barren land? King Raiden was about to knock on the tall mahogany castle doors but a voice stopped him from doing so.

"HAAAAAALT! WHO GOES THERE!"

King Raiden and Lulu stopped in their tracks. King Raiden grew confused, who dares talk like that to the King? Well maybe they didn't knew was one...right! Such case is forgivable! King Raiden stood like a man and looked at the castle like it was some giant.

Lookie-lookie look! There! High on the balcony was a knight! or a guard...or a servant. It's hard to tell from here...

King Raiden saw this pitiful man and shouted with his utmost kingliness. "State your identity first stranger!" He boldly ordered. He emitted sparks from his fingers and it flew right across the sky! RIGHT ACROSS THE FRIGGIN SKY!

"I am called Stryker!" The kinght-guard-servant shouted, to hell with descriptions! "Who are thou and why are you here?" He continued.

King Raiden stood his head high and adjusted his reins on Lulu. Lulu suffocated for a second. "I am King Raiden! King and protector of Earthrealm! I have travelled many lands in search for noble-"

"Hold! Are you-" Stryker stood on his toes from the balcony to give the royal manhorse a good look. He gasped, oh he did, when he saw Lulu had a saddle on his back and had a noseband wrapped around his face. "My word..."

"Are you using him as your horse! Are you MAD! FOOL! Get down from him you dillinger!"

King Raiden wasn't sure what the last word meant but he went down anyways. Lulu massaged his back.

Well, I didn't know it meant either.

"Typical of egoistical kings like yourself! Using a fellow man to...to...do that! What else do you-"

"Well then sir you are shocked indeed, but it is normal to treat servants as such!"

"Servant? SERVANT! You twit... he's more of a slave! Just look at him!" Stryker pointed. "He probably hasn't eaten in days!"

"He really does look like that no worries! And he did eat grass on the way here just so you know! HEALTHY BLADES OF GRASS." King Raiden patted Lulu's back. Lulu smiled and acknowledged the king.

Lulu's smile unnerved Stryker. He kept pondering on the word grass...

"Grass! GRASS! OR **WEED**?"

"GRASS!"

Lulu still had that euphoric smile on his face. Stryker could not anymore hold his rising irritation.

"My God man, you're actually letting yourself get treated like this? And you! You vile stupid person with a stupid hat! You think this is civil? Ever heard of human rights!" Stryker gripped his head as he looked at Lulu; and a companion of his dropped by. He had a very unusual mask.

"What's going on Stryker?"

"Ah Kabal it's you, help me knock some sense to this pitiful slave! and that.." He pointed to King Raiden in sheer disgust, his eyes drawn back like he saw his kin making love to a bird.A bird with 6 pairs of genitals... "That retarded guy! HIM! The world doesn't need to manipulate people! We're humans and we know better-"

"Oh crikey there you go with the whole 'speech' again, look if he wants to be like a slave leave him be" Kabal looked away from Stryker then down at our two heroes. Lulu says hi. Kabal waved back too.

"But that it's not right, that's my point" Stryker told him. "No one wants to be a slave you brashing-monicker-nilly-willy-jageirmeister!"

Kabal ignored him. Well his efforts did not go to waste, he truly tried. "Look kind sirs, my friend seems to lose it at the moment, may I help you?"

"You nicompoop-bloo-banding-nitterlashing-"

"Dude, shut your mouth! We are in front of a guest! Nag later."

King Raiden smiled, finally, and looked at Kabal. His smile grew wider when he noticed a metal contraption strapped to the newcomer's face, perhaps he was truly a knight!

Finally he found one after 30 minutes of searching!

WOOT!

"Ah yes true help finally, well then kind lad, can you lead us to your master? Or perhaps, would you like to be a knight of the Round table?"

"Are you the King Raiden himself?" Kabal squinted his eyes, and he scratched his metal contraption in awe. He truly was! " I am honored indeed! But...sadly milord, I am no knight. And our master has left us a long time ago and hasn't come back."

"Pitiful, well, when did your master left?"

"Two weeks ago milord. And we lay waste here since he didn't leave us any food. He told us to not leave this very spot, lest if taken literally we never left the roof'

Raiden blinked in confusion, well so that's why the Stryker fellow was so abstruse..."Well no matter, Sir Cable..."

"It's Kabal Milord, and he's my always politically incorrect friend: Stryker"

"Then since none of you could help us, we shall take our leave." Raiden removed the extra apparel on Lulu and stared at the two guards.

"Can you tell us a way to leave this place.?"

Kabal and Stryker gave eachother uncertain looks.

"Oh that's not a good idea..." Kabal scratched the metal plating on his does it itch? I don't even...

"Yes...there are two guards at the bridge. Stupid ones actually, arseholes. Especially the yellow buttard." Stryker grunted. He crossed his arms as he looked at where the bridge could be.

Where he thought it would be.

"Well lads, is that the only way out?" Raiden asked. He was too tired ti be placed in fron of another challenge. Indeed, he has sat far too long all day and his bottom is very tired from sitting on Lulu's back.

"Well technically Milord yes, if you want to go to society, but if you want to be killed in horrendous ways you better go around the forest in circles, or feed yourself to the woodland creatures" Kabal shrugged.

"Especially those damn squirrels" Stryker stated.

"And those rabbits that turn innards into outtards"

"And the deer-bear offsprings, really disgusting"

"And those lumberjacks! AARGH! THOSE LUMBERJACKS!"

Lord Raiden looked at his trusted human stallion, this was bad. Nevertheless, he shall continue! For he is King Raiden! King and-

"We will manage, who are those guards? and what about those_ lumberjacks_?"

Kabal sighed. "Well, pertaining to the guards, we don't who the other one is, but the complete idiotic dumbball is a yellow knight, his name is Scorpion"

Stryker couldnt hold his irritation any longer, sweet Elder Gods he's going to nag again.

"That Scorpion flipflop can't exist here its impossible! He's from Japan and that country has not learned to migrate to other countries since it's still under the shogunate! How the bell did he migrate here! That-that-thing is ruining the flow of history! It changes everything!"

"Stryker..."

"That blowhole and his aarrghh! He's already changing the natural order as we speak! Wielding a_ Kunai_ in an _Arthurian setting_ without second thought is vile and careless! CARELESS I TELLS YOU!"

"You're not even sure if they are, lad, we talked about this-"

"Are you telling me AGAIN that he can migrate USING A SPOON! ABSURD KABAL! VERY ABSURDILYLIE STUPID!"

"Look it was a joke, and he's not doing anything that _bad_-"

"I don't care! It's changing history! Can't you imagine what the future of Britain will be like? There will be weird human-anime hybrids! I saw it in my nightmares Kabal! I saw it! Everyone will be bug eyed freaks if he overstays his tenure!"

Kabal felt his eye twitch, really how did he put up with that man? How...

King Raiden finally spoke. "Silence you fabbot! And go make us sandwiches! But no expired tomatoes, I've grown tired of them."

Stryker swore and retreated into the edifice.

"Kabal, We shall be wary of those guards, so, about those lumberjacks you two have spokening of..."

Kabal sighed. I'm beginning to lose the urge to use description now, sorry. "Oh they used to be so nice, once you get accustomed to their annoying singing and...to tell you the truth our master never wanted to be a master, he wanted to be...a lumberjack."

This sudden change of subject has rendered our King verbally confused. We must wait for a while for him to recover.

...

...

"Why?" King Raiden asked.

"We don't know" Kabal answered.

"He never really told us why...he just did." Stryker said. He returned to Le roof with two sandwiches in hand. "Do you want one?"

"No, I merely needed to find some way to make you shut the jell up. You were quite aggressive, that's not polite for a Briton."

Stryker muffled something. It's hard to spell out, but it was a very low groan. It spells like this.

"UURRRGGHHH. AWWWWW. NIII. WOOOOM. PIIIIIING!"

There's a sort of dutch accent at the 'AW' part and there's more emphasis on the NII part...Oh never mind.

Sometimes I bore myself to death.

TO DEATH.

In much to Kabal's annoyance and embarrassment he looked down from the fort they were in to talk to King Raiden, ah yes truly polite, he intends to apologize. Eitquettes are a must for knights.

But the guests vanished out of thin air!

Where could've they been!

Where would they go!

Kabal could only say one thing. "Buttards! They didn't even say goodbye!"

Will this rushed tale of mine would go somewhere!

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><p>Well I'm quite tired indeed, sorry. Maybe <em>thinking<em> while telling you a story can really put a toll on your head now can it?

I haven't consumed my drugs depressants yet...

Yes, well, good day to you, and if you're quite a young lass you better...

Better...

Better check your underpants for blood.

Better check your bra for pervert unhooking-bra ninjas.

Better go back in the chicken and make me a sandwich...WITHOUT BREAD!

Now Leave my room.

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><p>AN: I'll work harder.<p>

Mr. Havik: Here's the MP parody I've promised!

Nivet: Thanks for the tips!


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